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Blimey, a lot of shit’s been popping off of Early Access lately. It’s been like showing a roomful of ten year old schoolkids that one video about periods and watching as one by one the innocence fades from their eyes. I’ve been playing Rogue Legacy 2, which last week triumphantly produced the stained bedsheet representing its graduation from girlhood innocence. Not to be confused with Rouge Legacy, which is the biopic of the man who had the idea to put tits in Sonic the Hedgehog, Rogue Legacy is, funnily enough, a Legacy Roguelike. Every time you die you switch to controlling the next heir in your family bloodline, meaning presumably that each attempt takes place decades apart so it’s weird none of the NPCs ever age or move anywhere else and the surrounding world never invents flying cars no matter how many generations go through the meat grinder of my shitty dodge reflexes but we’re probably not supposed to point this out. Also since the definition of “roguelike” these days is about as much to do with the original Rogue as a pig holding a fish in its mouth has to do with Yoko Ono, all your upgrades and progress through the castle’s sequence of boss fights is kept permanently.